The last two and a half weeks have been the most heartbreaking of our lives. Our dear friends Amy and Erik lost their four year old son Finn on November 7. How a simple diagnosis of croup could turn into such a nightmare has been hard to understand. Amy and Erik truly amaze me, in a time of such heartache and sorrow they thought of others and chose to make Finn an organ donor. Finn will live on in not only our hearts and memories but in the lives of the four recipients as well as their families and friends. 

I have struggled with many questions the last few weeks. I understand that God did not cause this to happen and he never promised that we would not live in a harsh world. He promised to be with us through it all, though there have been times that I have felt very angry and alone. To try to deal with these feelings I have decided to start a blessings journal. I plan to write down the things that I am thankful for and the blessings that are in my life. When the bad days happen I will be able to look back and see God’s presence in our life and remember that He is there even when we don’t feel His presence.

It has been a challenge to look forward to this holiday season. It feels very strange that life is moving forward when so many people are feeling such sadness and pain.  I follow a blog of Caitlyn Littrell, who is a young mother and wife who is fighting breast cancer. She recently lost her mother to breast cancer and posted about preparing for the first Christmas without her mom.  She stated in her blog “The story of baby Jesus is so much more than the simple "Away in a Manger" we've grown up on.  This was a huge step in God's battle against death.  By sending his son in the form of a baby, he put the Easter story into motion and rang the victory gong against separation between him and his creation.” She then goes on to say “Paul reminds us to encourage each other with the reminder that we will be together with those who have died, and "we will be with the Lord forever" (1 Thessalonians 4:17).  This hope helps us to heal.  So remember that this Christmas is a celebration of God's plan that began the journey in which I get to see my mother again, in which we all have the gift of eternal life if we will but accept it and in which we have been granted access to God who can handle whatever we throw at him in our grief.  And He will literally wrap his arms around us as the winds of pain tear at our hearts.”  During this Christmas season I am going to focus on “the promise that came wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid in a manger” and that we will get to be with sweet Finn again.

We went home to Klamath to be with our families and friends during this difficult time. We wanted and needed to be with the Nobel’s and Hathaway’s and be able to attend Finn’s celebration of life. As tough as this time was it was a reminder of how important our families and friends are. My first entry in my blessing journal will be how lucky we are to be surrounded by such wonderful and loving people. Not everyone is lucky to have such an amazing group that can be truly called family.

One of my favorite pictures of sweet Finn. I love his smile and that you can still see his rosy red cheeks even though the picture is black and white.

Medicine Lake after Finn's ashes were scattered.

An amazing group of people that I consider family. I love that Jens, Finn's big brother, is in the middle of the picture surrounded by everyone.